Not Dead Yet

Not Dead Yet, Still…

          …A Journey of Death

            By Ann Wilmer-Lasky

 

            I am not dead yet. I had some tests recently. I do not know their import. They were to determine how badly my valves leak and how poorly my heart muscle is contracting. I'll find out soon.

            In the meantime, I'm enjoying the beautiful, sunny fall weather and anticipating one (perhaps) last NaNoWriMo. One more novel no one wants to read, let alone buy. Why not? Maybe it will be worth more after my passing - part of my legacy.

            Legacy - what a joke. I leave nothing but broken dreams and unkept promises - unrealized potential. I leave heartache and mixed (mostly bad) memories. I could have enjoyed life better, had more fun, and obsessed less about whether everything was "just right". But that wouldn't have been me. Perhaps everyone else would have been better off, though.

            Now I must live a little longer, if only to pay off the rest of our bills, so I don't leave DH in too deep a hole. Now doesn't the sound of that just suck? I can't even contemplate just leaving the man with happy memories. I can only hope to leave him with enough to cremate me and scatter my ashes to the four winds that blew me away in life - or at least the prevailing West Wind that blew away my soul.

            My admonition from today's rantings? Perhaps this:

 

Enjoy Life

Make a happiness for others

There is way too much grief and sadness

In this world.

 

(One of my few regrets - but a big one - I was seldom truly happy.)

            My poem of the moment follows. Entreaty in the Sun - the third in a new collection which will be published at or before my death, depending on how long I have left.

 

Entreaty in the Sun

            By Ann Wilmer-Lasky

 

Earth Mother, Sky Father,

As I yet dwell upon

This earth, I fall under

Your blessed protection.

I do invoke the right

To live this waning life

To the best of what's left

Of my slight ability,

Draw my loved ones' warmth and

Laughter to my sad soul,

To repair some damage

Living has done my heart,

See joy in the faces

Of others, that I may

Slip away in peace, but,

Howe'er soon that may be,

I shall not die today.

 

Ann Wilmer-Lasky is living and dying in Roswell, New Mexico where she writes Sci-Fi, Fantasy and Horror novels. Her published works include: The Chronicles of Acqueria: Blood Moon Treachery , The Seasons of Sam Rock  and the 25th Anniversary Edition of The Castleweaver's Tales - all available on Amazon.com